Me: “Okay, I’m not going to use today; period!”
In my head (which is always the louder voice): “Bullshit, you know that you’re going to use, so what the hell are you doing?”
Me: “I’m not going to use today, that’s what I’m doing.”
My head: “Yeah, right.”
“Shut up. I can do this…”
“…”
“I can, I really can. I need to show my son that this thing works. So just shut the fuck up.”
“There’s just a little bit left, you might as well finish it. You can always start tomorrow.”
“…”
“Come on…you know I’m right.”
“Fuck you, I’m not using today and that’s all there is to it.”
“…”
“…”
“Damn it, I really need to use today.”
“That’s right.”
“This is driving me crazy.”
“Just a little, to calm your nerves.”
“Fuck it. I’ll just finish what I have left, and then I’ll quit for good.”
“…Nice…”
Two days later.
“Shit.”
“You’re out again, so just call him.”
“No way. I’m quitting, remember.”
“But you’ve already been high all day…you can’t quit at 4:00 in the afternoon…how’s that supposed to work?”
“Because I’m out of shit; that’s how it works. I’m not calling him.”
“Just call him. If you wait much longer, you won’t be able to sneak away to go pick it up.”
“I’m not buying another bag…that’s stupid. I’m not doing it.”
“Do it. Pretend that you’re in a Nike commercial, and JUST DO IT!”
“I’m not spending another dime on drugs. I’m going to quit and show him that this thing can work for him too.”
“You’re already $800 behind on the rent, so another $100 bucks isn’t going to make any difference.”
“NO.”
“…”
“Fine…I’ll just scrape some resins to get me through the rest of the day.”
Ten minutes later.
“Now, are you going to call him?”
“Fuck.”
“Just do it already.”
“…”
“Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.”
“…”
“DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. DO IT. “
“Fuck you.”
“Look, you know that you’re going to do it anyway, so why the hell are you fighting so hard for.”
“…”
“Do you want me to call him?”
“…”
“Okay, I’ll take that for a yes.”
Five days later.
“Fuck, this shit used to last me a whole week. I’m using like there’s no tomorrow.”
“There is no tomorrow. Call him.”
“I’ve got to stop this. It’s insanity.”
“Do we have to have this same conversation every single time?”
“I can’t keep taking him to meetings and continue getting high. That won’t help him at all. I have to show him that this thing works.”
“Blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah.”
“What can I remember from the meeting?”
“I’m calling him.”
“One is too many, and a thousand is never enough…is that really all I can remember?”
“Blah blah blah blah blah, and a blah blah is blah blah blah…you sound like an idiot.”
“One is too many…well I know that’s true; but will a thousand of these ever be enough?
“No…never.”
“How about a million, will a million highs ever be enough?”
“NOT EVEN CLOSE.”
“Are there enough drugs in the world – that will ever be enough?”
“No.”
“Never.”
“Never enough, I get it now.”
“Blah blah blah.”
“I’m not calling him, and you can just go fuck yourself.”
The next morning.
“Okay, a thousand will never be enough…so I’m not going to use…How am I going to do this today? Wait a minute; I don’t have to do it for the whole day…only for the next five minutes. I remember that too. What can I do for five minutes…instead of using?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Nope. I think I’ll take a shower.”
“You’re useless.”
A few minutes later.
“Now what?”
“Call him.”
“Five minutes…I’ll do the dishes.”
“Jesus, you’re an idiot.”
A few minutes later.
“I’m starting to get a little bit shaky here…just breathe.”
“I can call him for you…really.”
“No…a thousand, a million, or BILLION will never be enough. Maybe I should get rid of all these pipes and baggies and shit.”
“You’re just going to have to buy them all again.”
“Not this time.”
“How many times have you tried that?”
“Too many, and buying a thousand more will never be enough either. THIS IS IT!”
Twenty minutes later.
“Breathe.”
“What’s next? Let’s return those phone calls, and work on the schedule for next week.”
“…”
Two hours later.
“OKAY! THIS IS GETTING REDICULOUS. I’M CALLING HIM RIGHT NOW!”
“Whew…what the hell is that? Just breathe.”
“YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE IN THE WORLD AND THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO THIS. YOU ARE GOING TO FUCK THIS UP AGAIN, JUST LIKE YOU FUCK EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER DONE. THAT’S WHAT YOU CAN COUNT ON…FUCKING THIS UP, JUST LIKE ALWAYS!”
“Breathing…in…out…what’ next? Five minutes…I’ll go watch some TV.”
“I’M NOT DONE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. “
“Too bad…I’m going to watch TV.”
Eight o’clock that night.
“Whew, you’re almost there. Keep breathing.”
‘Now I am done with you. You’re getting no help from me anymore.”
“Yeah right…you’re always so helpful.”
“…”
“Okay fine then…what’s next? Five more minutes…”
“Your son is going to hate you for doing this you know.”
“Maybe I should go to a meeting?”
“That’s the last thing you can do! You can’t tell anybody that you are really trying to quit. Then they’d all know what a fuck-up you are when you go back to using.”
“It’s too late anyway, maybe I’ll just clean up dinner.”
“You know he’s is going to hate you if you stop using.”
Ten-thirty.
“You know that you’ve accomplished nothing. I’m calling him first thing in the morning. Either that, or we’ll just have to steal a little bit from your son’s stash; you know- just to get through.”
“Breathe…maybe I’ll take another shower…or eat some cookies…that’s it…cookies.”
“In fact, we could probably get high with him right now. Fuck school tomorrow.”
“Cookies, then a shower.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
The next morning I wake up and realize, “Oh my God, I have one day clean.”
Dune C. 